So I went out to a housewarming/Xmas party today for a good friend of mine from my old job. I saw a few other friends there and my old bosses. It was nice to see them, but I feel so out of place. Like I don't belong with them anymore. Ever since Dylan was diagnosed all my old friends seem to be just that, old friends. I talk to them occasionally but I feel have nothing really in common with them anymore. I always feel like an outsider now. I'm no longer in the loop. Like they just put forth the effort to be my friend out of obligation or they feel bad. I don't know how to really describe it. When they look at me, which is rarely in the eye, I feel their pity and I see them searching for the old me. The one that used to be their friend, but no longer is inside me. I guess it is me that has changed. But I feel very sad, for not only have I lost a NORMAL life, becuase I would gladly do that to have my son's life saved, but I don't think my life will ecver be the same. I can't see myself enjoying things and having friends, because I am just too different now. This has changed me in so many ways. I don't know where I am or where I want/need to be. My old career is basically non existant now, I want to do something but have no clue what? Actually that is a lie, I know what I want to do but it would take a lot of time and money, I dont have either one right now.
I feel so lost and lonely in so many ways. My children's father and I never have had a great relationship and now it too like my career is non existant. He is in complete denial about our son's condition. I talk to no one but my kids, which is ok, but sometimes I would like to have someone to talk to that just understands what I am feeling or TO try to understand. I feel like I have no one. Everyone says oh if you need anything blah blah blah, but 1) I hate asking for anything and 2) how do you ask some one to be your friend or a better one haha. I know I'm being selfish right now lol and self pitying. Ok I'm done.
Feeling depressed also about all the little kids and parents that are going through the same thing as we are, some worse off. I have been following several kids sites since I became a member of a online support group and more than 10 have died with in the last year. That is so horrible. Thats just the ones I was following.
Wishing everyone a good evening I am so tired I only got 2 hours of sleep can't think, can't write, right?
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